deep end

I tried to start my stats assignment today, but I had no idea what I was supposed to even begin with.

You know you are going to do badly when you dont even know what the question is asking.

I was all "yeah, tote going to get on top of my assignments, i can totes do this!"

and then i realised i had NO CLUE what i was doing.

I think i need to dedicate my ANZAC holiday completely to stats.

Until then, accounting cram aha...

(Alysha, shame on you, stats in tute exam is next week monday. you're going to have a bad time)

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How AMAZEBALLS was Doctor Who ep this week? fuar i loved hide!

Best Ghost Love story every. ^^

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I've always thought that Panty and Stocking were a messed up adults version of the Powerpuff girls, and apparently someone else did too, because i found this cross over illustration.

Haha. Can you see Johnny Bravo is the male on the cover of Panty's magazine?


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Recently, a church friend has been very encouraging. I'm surprised, because since this year I've talked to him like maybe 4 times in total. (?) His love and passion for God is very inspiring. I hope I can be that enthusiastic in everything i do as well. He's actually kind of amazing. I would never tell him that though.

My sister was somewhat fan-girling him the other day, telling me about his story and how he came to faith in Jesus.

I can somewhat understand his passion after that.

I find that, in some areas of my life, there are people that i talk to that just make me feel motivated to do certain things. Talking to my cousin makes me motivated to learn Japanese and Chinese and Latin and French and Spanish and every other language in the world, talking to my sister motivates me to be a more caring and compassionate person, reading some people's blogs make me feel i need to work harder or be more creative, and talking to others make me feel like i want to be more of a lamp post for christ.

I feel very blessed to know so many amazing people :)

I have to work harder, haha.

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(Long Christian passage, sorry atheists. But I hope you read it anyway, because this is important to me.)

I was asked to help lead Rice choir, and I feel that's somewhat a scary thing.

Because for me to lead something this big, it's a very big deal.

Not only because I know it'll be amazingly fun, I'm worried that i won't do it for the right reasons.

What if i just sing because i want to perform? But it's not a performance, it's about praise.

And i don't know if i can lead something one hundred percent thinking about praise.

And im not even including the extra work shifts and Connect leadership and INSANE STUDY.

But it's been in my mind, exciting my core, every minute since I was asked.

I remember at KYCK, whilst in the mosh pit singing praises, I felt that it was the most amazing experience, being able to sing.

And it felt amazing, because usually when i sing i care so much about how i sound, and i concentrate on every little thing.

But at that moment, when i swear i couldn't hear my voice in the massive crowd that were all jumping and singing praises, i didn't care what i sounded like.

And i knew that i wasn't singing like i normally do, because at that moment i was singing praise with all my heart. I felt moved. It felt spiritual.

Like I was doing something that was unlocked inside me, like i had found something that i had never found before.

I felt drained after the song, even though i knew no one could hear me in the crowd, I swear that I had just done THE MOST amazing performance of my life.

It was intoxicating.

People at my church call it one of my spiritual gifts, a gift i should be using for God. A voice that only unleashes when i sing praises.

And I know that in 1 Peter 4:10-11, it says:

¹⁰ Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. ¹¹ If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Every gift we have should be used to its fullest in him, for him

Yet to me, my gift is something that i feel i can get swept up in self-adulation with.

I know that my voice is something I am proud of. It's always been that way. Music is something i strongly connect to, and applause is something ive become addicted to since 6years old.

So something like singing at Rice, with thousand of youth in a concert hall, leading a choir and singing on a stage?

The very idea makes me quiver with excitement.

But im not sure if it's because i want to sing praises with thousands of people, and whip them up into that blissful state where you feel as if God is there with you, or if i want to sing in front of thousands of people to let them hear my voice.

Terrifying.

Ironically, I have terrible stage fright as well.

But that's irrelevent at Christian performances for me.

I suppose i never really care what the service thinks about my playing ability, because I'm trying to make the best worship experience for them through it.

Ultimately it's all for God, so who knows really...

I suppose if I pray about it, an answer will come eventually.

kthnxbai <3